The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I camp so other people don’t have to.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.