The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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dads on road-trips be like
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.