The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
You deplete me
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.