The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿