The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.