The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit