Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I鈥檝e missed 738 birthdays because I haven鈥檛 been on for over 2 years 馃槼
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Very good news from my accountant
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can鈥檛 drink inside the grocery store
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they鈥檙e wrong. It was Johnson.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 馃グ
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It鈥檚 not a toy.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!