The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
But wait…
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
crazy