The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
That time Alicia messaged me
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Had an epiphany today.