The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Thoughts
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie