The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You Might Also Like
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.