@eddiesteadyno: The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn't bargain on "bankrupt" being an option.
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@upsidedowntrash: [behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order] me: hey. them: yeah? me: try the coffee.
@TheBigBatman: I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she's been giving me lately.
@CelebrityChez: Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great! Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.