i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Love it! 👍😂
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.