“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Happy Febuary everyone!
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
incredible book dedication
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.