@Poutymcgee: "THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!" I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.
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@OleThickHawk: My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
@crunchenhanced: For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”. How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
@Ivsy01: Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know.