@Poutymcgee: "THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!" I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.
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@rev_revolver: once a woman in the mall said "isn't everything cuter with babies?!" and jeff replied "not coffins" and just stared at her until she cried
@ladybroseph: Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
@Ygrene: [Murderer in the middle of murdering me] Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I'm murdering you I mean really