So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud