*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Lmao the reply
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Beware of the dog..
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.