The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Just a bush.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
one last job
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.