The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Always a metermaid never a meter
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Ummm