The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
how to exercise your calf muscles
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is