@KenJennings: The plural of "person on Segway" is "losers."
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@fakegoldegg: toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
@drhappyknuckles: I'm writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
@ppppolls: 30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion