@KenJennings: The plural of "person on Segway" is "losers."
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@iamburtjarvis: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey her: what? me: what?
@captainkalvis: cop: what do we put for cause of death me: health complications cop: but he was beheaded me: really complicates one's health, doesn't it
@ohheyohhihello: what do we want??? CHEESECAKE when do we want it??? PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
@muse_me_again: Just once when someone says, "Is anyone there?" in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. "What up. I'm over here. You got me."