@KenJennings: The plural of "person on Segway" is "losers."
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@breatheandlove: If you're using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too. Inspirational tweet.
@flashember: [Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
@Ideal_Victoria: *crawls up from backseat* *slowly pulls off paper bag from head* What? No... I’m not embarrassed by your driving
@Mr_Kapowski: *on the karaoke mic* "I normally don't sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don't mind if I do this naked"