I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Not helping
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.