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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Eat…
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Thrilling chase underway