The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
You Might Also Like
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*