The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it