Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
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You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
podcasts
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.