@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
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@GoldenSpirals: He told me I was the "bee's knees". I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur's femur. Who doesn't love Zoboomafoo?
@d_duhwit: Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans? Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.
@truegritrumble: ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME! UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right? ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
@WilliamAder: They're not called "butt hole mirrors." They're called "hand mirrors," according to this clerk at Walgreens.