@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
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@Adar79Angie: I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
@ilovepie84: I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled "fountain of youth" right next to him.
@dubstep4dads: Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall
@NYC_Blonde: Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you're God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!