The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.