honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
You Might Also Like
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Realize this:
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭