The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My therapist after every session
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’m putting together a team
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
This is hilarious….
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes