The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I don鈥檛 think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It鈥檚 been 20 minutes, we鈥檙e still fixing the sink.
I鈥檓 slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I鈥檓 kidding, I鈥檝e never even read lord of the rings
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you鈥檇 be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I鈥檝e just heard one of the kids approaching
INVENTOR: it鈥檚 a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Guilty! 馃お
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain鈥檛 no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 馃槍馃槍
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that鈥檚 a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol鈥o
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.