The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m putting together a team
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”