The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.