The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The sacred texts.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I wanna be friends with this person
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.