“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.