The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.