People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
You Might Also Like
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
kitchen magnet
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank