The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
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Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it