@briangaar: The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops
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@iscoff: It's fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car's side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
@T_N_Crumpets: Wife: Are you crying in there? Me crying: NO! W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door* Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
@JimNorton: I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.