@briangaar: The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops
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@internetluke: [talking with counselor] I don't "know" what "she" means that I "use" excessive air quotes
@TheAlexNevil: 6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his: "Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad."
@aundreyamarie: *Looking to buy a house* ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood. REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo... ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?