and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
twitter users today:
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no