We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
The government even made aliens boring
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.