The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.