Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
the three branches of government
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue