Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Sheep
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.