May you never lose your sense of wonder.
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*