[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.