son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
pep talk
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
men, we mow at sunrise.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
😏😏😏