The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.