The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
guilty
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Chemical wingman
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt