The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.