The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
You Might Also Like
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!