The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers