The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
#DesignFail
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me :
All Day At Night
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Lmao the reply
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.