Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Can. I. Help. You.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.