The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar